Ugh…I can’t believe this came up today. Last night I just had to ask for forgiveness for hurting my husband. (Full disclosure:And now I will intellectualize my situation because that’s what I do when I feel ashamed.)
Biologist Edward O. Wilson says, and i paraphrase and probably oversimplify, that humans are one of only about 12 species on the planet who are both selfish and altruistic.
It is this tug-of-war between the two instincts, self preservation vs. preservation of the community, that causes so much internal conflict. If you are religious you may see it as good versus evil, but I think that doesn’t really allow for true self-knowledge, just condemnation.
But as to the daily question: My mother is almost 84 and sick. In most ways she was not a good mother. I am still healing from my childhood. But her childhood was horrific, and so what she did to us was a matter of her own self-preservation. And that I understand. And that I forgive.
You’d like your parents to be altruistic and unselfish when it comes to raising you, but life stirs us up, and it’s about balancing our own survival with the love we have for the people who are closest to us and most affected by our actions. I think understanding that may be the key to forgiveness.
What did I learn? Maybe don’t take it so personally when you become collateral damage in other people’s selfish actions. If you love them, try to understand that internal struggle they are having. (Of course, set real clear boundaries so they know what you will not tolerate, and then don’t.)
If you made it to the end of this, thank you.

My relatives who have passed have certainly all shaped me in some way, but the person whose wisdom and love I am most grateful for was my mother-in-law. She took an interest in all the people in her life and was able to express her awe and admiration freely. She asked thoughtful questions and praised often. Every day she lived a purposeful life, always so beautifully put together and looking forward to something. She was joyful. She’d send little notes in the mail to her children and grandchildren to share with them something she saw that she thought they may find interesting. She appreciated life and the people in it and exuberantly expressed that on a daily basis. (Thanks, I needed to think about her right now.)

How wonderful that you can see it in that way. There is value in all life’s experiences. Your strength of spirit will see you through. When I got sick, I did allow myself a good cry at the beginning of each day if I needed, then I got on with the day. It was cleansing. It allowed me to recognize what I had lost, without denying it nor wallowing in it. After a while, I didn’t need to cry anymore. Then I got much better, and received many spiritual gifts along the way. Best of luck to you.