I like to close my eyes and meditate on G-d, then just repeat the word “G-d” over and over in my head until I can see a light starting to form behind my eyelids. This is my way of saying thank you, because in these moments I let everything else disappear and experience what’s real and true. However, it takes a lot to get to this place, usually exercise and a tranquil natural surrounding, like a beach or forest. It’s harder to do in every day life in the chaos of experiences. But, it’s something I strive to master even in a crowded bus station or when someone is hurting me emotionally.

What I learned through my Yoga Teacher Training is not to detach or push away painful, chaotic moments but to embrace them as a passing state. The less I push against the moment the more I am able to co-exist with whatever is going on. For instance, when at moments it’s easier to retreat into a quiet space during the most chaotic times (LUNCH) at school, it’s sometimes nice just to embrace it and interact with the kids. However, there are times it’s important to take the space for myself. To know what is the right time to engage in chaos, I have to know where I am emotionally and how balanced I am internally. And that kind of awareness takes work. I’d like to get to the point where I can choose a peaceful state of mind no matter what situation I’m in, so I can better help others and engage with them even when it’s so so challenging.

This is a really good question, because it makes me think…is there anything I give without expectation of return? I like to think I give emotional openness without expectation of return, but then when someone acts cold, I close up and don’t want to give that openness anymore. Also, kindness, like some of you said. And respect. But it’s very hard to give those things when you don’t receive them back. I guess the trick is to focus on the times I’ve felt kindness and to feel grateful, and from that place of gratitude to give. But is that selfishly motivated?

I did a mediation on this yesterday and I immediately thought of my ex-boyfriend, Trevor. He was an angel in my life, offering me unconditional love and acceptance in a way that very few ever had. I wasn’t always there for him, but he was always there for me, through thick and thin. When I left to come teach abroad, it was one of the hardest decisions of my life, because it meant leaving him. Now I know that it was the right thing, but I never stop being grateful for his light in my life, and I never stop blessing him.

I know some really religious friends of mine who say a prayer for going to the bathroom. They thank G-d each morning, “blessed are you for providing the openings that allow me to go, without which I would die,” is the basic translation. Incredible how we can take this for granted. I will definitely take more time to appreciate also that I can perform this independently. I work with a sweet little girl with CP who will need assistance, very sadly, likely for the rest of her life. Also, she has taught me not to take speech for granted. Imagine understanding but not being able to express. I am always in awe of her willingness to communicate without speech, how she uses music to speak with me, and how I always know she is listening to me when we do our music therapy together. Whenever I am with her I become more grateful for everyday things I can do…everything.

I love this poem. “It could have been otherwise.” She was such a wise woman and someone to model how we live after. I am always in awe of her later poems, when she was dying so young. She took life in such stride and with such grace. A great example of a poet who did not operate from a base of ego and need for encouragement from a crowd. She wrote the way she saw to help and nourish others. And the way she lived in nature with her dogs is so inspiring as well. I studied poetry in school, and she’s one of the ones who really stuck out for me as a “real poet.”

This is so true 🙂 I think if we develop independent rather than co-dependent happiness, we’re operating from intention instead of expectation. “In”tent has to do with our inner worlds and sense of personal safety and resources for happiness we have within us at all times. All we have to do is draw on our own inner light to feel whole. “Ex”pecting has to do more with the “ex”ternal world. I like what you said about the “Make me happy” wheel. If we rely on external factors to make us happy, at least from my experience, we are setting ourselves up as captives to the “wheel.” As Edie Brickell writes, “the wheel keeps on turning and turning and turning and nothing’s disturbing the way it goes around.” What this means I think is once we’re captive on this wheel, it’s hard to stop turning with it, or to make it turn differently. Once we let go of what you call, “co-dependent happiness,” we can embrace our own personal power source that we can use to heal the world.