Without meaning to brag, I think I have a lot of the markers of a “good” person–that is, the type of person who does the responsible thing. I eat my vegetables, I go to the gym, I set a budget, I wake up on time (more or less, for a while, I got up at 4:30, but now it’s closer to 6), I clean my house, I volunteer, I read, I meditate, and I haven’t gained a pound for over 20 years.

So I don’t have a lot of little behavioral changes to make or bad habits to drop, but that doesn’t mean I can’t improve. I certainly can. One thing that I have found helps is eliminating things–stimulus, obligations, expectations, objects. I will try to give myself that luxury.

Hello. I wanted to stop by and share a little about what I have been doing. I was not working for the past 10 or so days because my office was closed. I tend not to spend time on the computer when I am not in the office, so I was on a hiatus from most digital media.

My break was relaxing, and–for that–I am grateful. I was able to sleep in most days, which is a bit of a luxury for me. My parents came to stay in my new home for the holidays. This is a big step in our relationship, and I am grateful for that and for having them present.

Unfortunately, our relationship is more stressful than I would like. In addition to which, I spent the large majority of my time entertaining them. I also needed to balance my partner’s needs. Between that, I didn’t have much time for myself. I made time when I could, which was a big help, and–like I said–I slept.

Last night, I tried having a conversation with my parents (when I talk with both of my parents, my father is almost totally silent, and my mother talks endlessly) about what is going on in my life, some work-related things, trying to find a direction, etc. I wanted to be open about my concerns and get some feedback, but that did not really work out, which was frustrating and depressing.

Later, I was having trouble falling asleep, so I asked my father–who was still awake–to talk. He listened and offered some feedback. It was nothing groundbreaking exactly, but it was a chance to connect and get some perspective. Then I took some time to drink some tea and doodle in an old notebook.

I am still struggling to find solace and improve my relationships, but that was a very welcome moment for which I am grateful.

I remember having a vision once that made me cry. I am vegan, and for many years, I participated in a weekly writing workshop near a sandwich shop that made a delicious vegan sub (there might actually have been dairy in the cole slaw, I didn’t want to ask because I liked it so much). I got the sub then ate it in the posh corporate boardroom that we used for our writing workshop. The sub was incredibly messy. I couldn’t eat it without sauce dripping all over, and I felt really out …I remember having a vision once that made me cry. I am vegan, and for many years, I participated in a weekly writing workshop near a sandwich shop that made a delicious vegan sub (there might actually have been dairy in the cole slaw, I didn’t want to ask because I liked it so much). I got the sub then ate it in the posh corporate boardroom that we used for our writing workshop. The sub was incredibly messy. I couldn’t eat it without sauce dripping all over, and I felt really out of place eating it in a very formal boardroom.One Friday night, as I was preparing to go to this workshop, I thought about eating the sub for lunch and had a vision of myself. I was sitting in the boardroom with this sandwich in front of me, and I had cole slaw and crumbs and sauce all over my face, and I had just taken a big bite of the sandwich and had my mouth full of food. But I had a huge grin on my face, the happiest look I could imagine.I genuinely don’t know if I have ever actually smiled that way because experiencing that type of joy requires dropping your cynicism and skepticism, forgetting about anything bad and enjoying just what is right in front of you at the time in the purest possible way. The version of myself in the vision was a simpler person than I am, guileless. And I began to cry because I wanted to bring that level of happiness to others.I have another story. My partner is a teacher, and every year that we have lived together, I’ve gotten them something with an apple to celebrate the first day of school. Sometimes I make an apple crumble. One year, I was out of work and baked a pie from scratch. This year, we were very busy around the start of school, and after the first day, my partner drove to meet me at my office, and we ate dinner together at a grocery store nearby.While I was there, I picked up an apple crumble without my partner noticing. When we got home, I left it out for them in the living room, and the joy they experienced from me keeping up that tradition still takes my breath away.

I have been quite fortunate to be involved in a few communities that have had a very positive impact in my life.

For about five years, I have worked with my former neighbor to deliver food to people living on the street. The experience is absolutely amazing. Unfortunately, I moved recently, so I have had trouble participating as regularly as I used to. I am considering ways to extend my involvement to my new location.

For two years, I have written and performed sketch comedy with a great group of people. That experience and working with them energizes me tremendously. At the moment, I do feel the group is struggling from a lack of direction. I had been hoping not to take on a leadership role because I prefer not to, but I do think that we could use a leader who provides more guidance.

The community I have developed with my partner can be the most energizing of all. However, it can be very draining as well. We are naturally dependent on each other, and I think that my partner has become too dependent on me. I need to work on that relationship by being open and honest.

My mother will be visiting me soon, and she has a very big personality that can be difficult to deal with. She tend to be combative and avoidant and never takes culpability for anything. She also has a very difficult time with empathy. In addition to all this, we have a lifetime of history together, a script for behavior that has been played out so many times that finding fresh eyes is a real challenge.

I am going to try to view her as a person who exists not just in relation to me but as a complete person with vulnerabilities. I fear that she will not respond well, but I am at least going to try.

Today’s question resonates with me because I started the day feeling that I had something to say, but I am still processing it, trying to put my finger on it. I suspect it’s the synthesis of what I have been experiencing for a while, but perhaps that synthesis is not complete.
I am reminded of Rilke’s directive:
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.”

I will share the experience that has led me here without any reflection. Perhaps others will draw some insight, or at least I will mark the question.

As I have mentioned in this space before, I live in the United States. If you are familiar with U.S. politics, you might know that the current climate feels very divisive. I will not say anything about my personal allegiances, but I will say that I do believe that the political process impacts people’s lives in very real ways. For that reason, I have always valued being politically involved, though I see the division created in our country by the two-party system as partially artificial and counterproductive.

Yesterday, we had an election in the U.S. that was seen as a bellwether, and I did some volunteer phone banking in the lead up. Yesterday, I also had the chance to participate in Burrito Project, a grassroots volunteer effort to make and distribute food to people living on the street. This is something I have done for many years now, and I was truly grateful for the experience last night.

Today’s quote (“Listen to your life…touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is grace”) is so applicable to my experience. I do take satisfaction in helping others, but the reason that I am grateful for last night’s venture is that it was a chance to be engaged, to interact with people and my city in such unique ways. We deliver food to areas that empty out at night because that is where people on the street can sleep without too much disturbance (though there is still plenty). Just being present in that moment to experience everything around me is deeply fulfilling.

Normally, the leader of Burrito Project posts a thank you on Facebook honoring everybody who took part, and I take pride in that, so I checked Facebook when I got home (quite late) to see what was there. All the posts I saw from my friends were about politics, many vitriolic or anguished. One wrote, “This is a dark time for our country,” and it cut me like a knife in the heart. The world certainly didn’t feel dark, but here I was being told that it was. My experience was vanquished by this 50-word opinion rendered in pixels on a screen.

Yesterday, some friends told me they couldn’t understand how I have time to do everything that I do. Accepting their premise that I do or have done “a lot”, I think that being present plays a major role.

I have always been agnostic about digital media, and I still am. After all, this site has brought me great comfort recently, comfort that I struggled to find elsewhere. But I find that so much social media and digital content has what my friend calls the movie popcorn effect. You keep eating it even though you don’t particularly like it, then you feel sick after.

Limiting my time and exposure to digital media–simplifying my input-and being engaged and present makes a world of difference.

I have made other efforts to simplify that have helped me be more engaged. I scrapped my car and use a bike or public transportation to get around (I do use my partner’s car some weekends). I started making more of my own food, not just meals but things like peanut butter and vegetable broth. I have an herb garden so that I don’t have to keep buying herbs that wilt immediately. All have opened me to living more richly.

Both my partner and my mother have a real fixation on “should”. I have said it’s my mother’s favorite word, and I see her become so distraught and frustrated over it. It’s also such a meaningless word and so full of guilt. It refers to something that hasn’t happened yet but ought to for a desirable outcome. Who has determined what outcome is desirable, though, and how can we be sure that that will be the result of our actions?

I think that eliminating “should” is scary because it means acknowledging ignorance and accepting culpability. But it also opens up a world of freedom.

Thank you. I ended up having a conversation with my partner yesterday that was really helpful, and I had some insights that I wasn’t expecting. I would still like to discuss further, but I found definitely found some solace.

All things considered, my life and circumstances are not especially challenging or stressful. I have had some setbacks, but I have also hit a lot of green lights, so to speak. Now I am going through what I see as a period of exploration, and I don’t think I’ve let any of my commitments (work, personal, community) go in that time, but I am truly seeing the value of resting, relaxing and reflecting during this time.

One note: As I said, my parents are visiting me. I had a conversation with my mother about her current living situation. If ever anybody needed to understand gratitude, it’s her. She insisted that she wants to move because she doesn’t have the ability to maintain her yard any longer, but she doesn’t want to move someplace without a yard, and she doesn’t want to move someplace that is smaller but has a yard because she needs several rooms to entertain guests, though she admitted that she doesn’t entertain… and it just goes on. After the conversation, my partner turned to me and said simply, “She’s *exhausting*.”