I am in the midst of a career change late in life (60 years old) which will mean taking 21 credits at my local college and passing an exam to earn an Alternative Licensure for teaching K-8 special education. Here in New Mexico there is a great need for teachers and this program will allow me to begin working even as I take these classes once I am accepted. Anyway, what I struggle to let go of is my own negative speech towards myself about being old. What helps me to rid myself of such thou…I am in the midst of a career change late in life (60 years old) which will mean taking 21 credits at my local college and passing an exam to earn an Alternative Licensure for teaching K-8 special education. Here in New Mexico there is a great need for teachers and this program will allow me to begin working even as I take these classes once I am accepted. Anyway, what I struggle to let go of is my own negative speech towards myself about being old. What helps me to rid myself of such thoughts is to open myself to how good I feel making such a commitment. It energizes me in ways that just hoping for the best as my life moves on doesn’t. I see myself working, and needing to work, for another 5-7 years at least, so why not make the most of it, right? I’m going to get older regardless! I’ve also begun a training to teach Kingian Nonviolence, and again what I need to let go of is that I’m too old to have much to offer. And part of that is also the fear of what others will think of me as an older person, that I will be judged.

What I first thought of when I read this question was the Charlie Chaplin song, best sung by Judy Garland, “Smile.” It might sound like a platitude, or false, but there is truth in it, besides the scientific research on its benefits to our brain and thus behavior.I also thought of the yogic instruction from the Yoga Sutras that if one cannot be cheerful in greeting the world and others, than don’t go outside that day (my words)! Basically, don’t inflict my misery on others.

How do I feel when I smile? I feel lighter, more open and less self-involved.

Last week I had a fall while walking and injured my arm. I’d been rushing, thinking of the future, holding my breath, and not in touch with my feet on Mother Earth – in fact, the shoes I wore had heels which lifted me away from feeling her, too! Since that fall and my slow recovery, I’ve recalled when I had the joy of visiting Thich Nhat Hahn’s monastery in New York and joined in the walking meditation. What a different experience, and one that opened me to life in the moment in such a tangible way connecting mind-heart-and body, that I still experience it when I remember it. Now, I am practicing walking meditation again – conscious of breath and feet on the ground, slow and open – and am so grateful to be able to. This is one way I become more open to life. (And, no more heels!)

It’s a practice for me and means slowing down even for a moment to feel and consciously acknowledge all that supports me. I recently had a bad fall and hurt my arm enough that it’s going to be awhile for it (me) to recover. In that painful and sudden situation – one moment up and the next moment down literally – I became genuinely grateful for so many things. As soon as I fell and thought “there is no one here”, people appeared and did help me. Bless their kind hearts! That fall reminded me of the importance of pausing, slowing even in the midst of busy-ness, breathing, creating space with a deep exhalation, and feeling where I am right that moment. That is when gratefulness rises naturally for me.

I feel more present, more grateful, and more in tune with everything. My speedy mind slows down. It is like taking a deep breath of fresh air and I can let go of the swirling or concretized thinking that so often fills my time, while being as conscious as I can of the task at hand. Colors are brighter, sounds more vivid, and the air itself more alive – it’s experiencing deeply rather than the surface rush more common to my days. It is like a meditation-in-motion, and when it does happen, made more possible through practice and awareness, I still feel I’ve been touched by the hand of grace and am so grateful.

There are so many ways that I am fortunate, too many to count here though I’ll try with those that come immediately to me. I am fortunate to have slept peacefully and safely through the night; to have fresh, clean water for a cup of tea upon waking; to have my senses and body in “working” order; to have a healthy mind even with its dips and turns; to experience the warmth and light of the sun rising; to have a small, crooked yet comfortable casita to live in; to have water and soap for a shower; to have a lively dog with a good sense of humor to get me going in the morning; to have, perhaps not alot of material things, but always enough. And that is just this moment …

For me a key in being vulnerable is knowing when to show that vulnerability. There are times when it would be downright dangerous given the situation, however to answer the question about how an experience I’ve had was shifted by vulnerability I’d have to say when I did this recently with a colleague and she immediately softened, too. I let down defenses and fears, trying to show that I am something I am not, that “I can take it,” and expressed my honest feeling of sadness in the disconnect I felt in our relationship. It did not completely resolve however I felt I’d given something of myself which was more genuine than I had before. I felt it helped to shift away from the potential of resentment and bad feeling between us.

Thank you for sharing this as I too have had major changes which have brought forth what feels like unconscious fears into my consciousness, often painfully upon waking in the early morning. Like you, I ask what I am learning in this? And though I don’t have the answers, I do know that I am learning not to abandon myself, rushing off into future or descending into past, but being present with myself as painful as it can be at times, learning to be my own best friend in a much deeper way than I’ve known before. I have a sweet dog who comforts me when I need it, and now the opportunity is that I am learning how to comfort myself in healthy ways. Still, it can be work to see that opportunity in the midst of suffering. I also appreciate that you’ve sought out the support of a group. I’m going to check that out here in Santa Fe.