I have often wondered about this fear of non-existence, which is a mystery to me. I can understand the fear of being judged, deprived of the Presence of God, or even punishment for sins. But life seems so effortful and confusing to me most of the time, that non-existence, to me indicating a release of responsibility for my actions, seems quite attractive. I have never really understood why anyone would want to live as an independent self eternally. I yearn to lay down the burden and responsibility of being a self. I fear that this feeling goes against what I say in church on Sunday in the Credo; I find it troubling to not yearn for Eternal Life. Does anyone else feel like this?

How do I know when I have enough? The second half of this daily question intrigues me. I am aware of having enough in so many areas, but what makes me aware of this. When do I not have enough? Any time I am feeling a lack, it is probably because I am putting myself into the past or the future. In the present, all is well–I always have enough and more. One of the ways I have trained myself to cope with an exceedingly busy and productive life is to reassure myself with this mantra: “There is plenty of time.” Even though viewed through anxious eyes life seems short, to me this still rings true. There IS plenty of time to live right now. There is enough time to pet the cat, cook the meal, have the conversation, care for the child, enjoy the garden. I know I have enough because I can say yes to what life offers right now!
What a luxurious life I have; I think I’ll go take a nap!

My life is very full of challenging activities right now, where others are depending on me to be productive and creative. I find it difficult to deal with the anxiety of this responsibility, and often wake up worrying about something that “must be done correctly right now!” I have read the books of Sonia Choquette, and the practice of “Thinking about what you love” has been a powerful, sort of backdoor way to get to gratefulness. It is easier for me to think about how much I love the people I serve, the medium through which I serve them, and the actual activities themselves, than to tell myself “Be Grateful!!!” When reflect on the people and activities and gifts that I have in my life, and how much I love them, gratitude simply flows, and anxiety fades. I get up thinking about what I GET to do today, instead of what HAVE TO do today, which makes me very happy. It never fails for me; list what I love that is in my life right now, and it creates calm and happiness.

I care for my sister and my husband, for their health and well-being, and also for about 150 students and their families, in many ways, teaching and encouraging and giving opportunities. In the case of my students, I often feel clearly that they are presented to me as a gift for me to give care to; I often forget that my family members are also a gift.I have three children for whom I care emotionally, but who as adults have rejected me and my husband out of their lives–so odd and painful to continue to love and care for people whom you spent 28 years parenting, but who no longer want a relationship with you. I can’t stop the love and care going out, nor would I want to, but it has no receivers. Is this a blessing removed, lost? Or a different blessing given by their leaving my life. In a very strange and painful way, the loss of my children in my life has also been a blessing. A blessing to have them to care for, and a blessing to have them no longer needing my care. I cannot begin to understand this; it’s a total mystery. I do know that their departure opened the way for a new part of my life to open up, and gave me the opportunity to care for many more people, in my students and their families. I acknowledge this as both a blessing and a great loss. I struggle to understand–I have come to know this: “God breaks our hearts to crack them open.” Looking toward Mother’s Day this year, I am trying to accept that joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin…how to process blessing as ephemeral, and not fear the pain of loss when we are given someone to love. I tell myself that I have been given some very difficult people to love because I am especially good at loving difficult people. I hope that is true. Right now I seem to be hurting a lot, even while being grateful for my blessings. I didn’t realize that this pain and sense of loss was quite so fresh; it has been ten years since my children cut off all contact with no explanation, and I truly have no idea why they don’t want us in their lives.

How do I “lean into” this pain? Should I? What do I do with the message they have given me that they don’t want my love and care? This issue of being UNWANTED has returned over and over again in my life. I could use some help…what does this mean? What can I create with this, learn from this?

I have been led, called, to become a leader of a program for young musicians that has grown very quickly and has been very thrilling and satisfying to be part of, but now I am waking every day with the fear, the anxiety, that I am not adequate to lead such a large organization, and that I do not have the skills to teach at this level, or the help and support I need; in fact, I am in anxiety because I am aware of not knowing what I need to learn, or which way to go, and I am afraid I will let my students and their families down in some way through ignorance or incapacity. I have gotten this far by simply trusting where I was led, and accepting the path of growth that has been shown to me, and walking it in love and gratitude. I don’t know why I now feel so anxious and fearful. I am afraid of being embarrassed by my unworthiness–it is a struggle to let go of my fears every morning.

“Plants out of place”, is what I was taught as a definition of weeds. God’s garden has no weeds, just wildflowers. There’s a thought for you. All our so-called flaws, those qualities that we have decided are undesirable, are no different to God than the qualities we are so proud of “cultivating”. God loves us all as we are, right now. Maybe we should relax a little about judging some things (or people!) as “weeds”. In botany, there are no weeds, just plants. One person’s “weed” is another’s beautiful flower! Are we too eager to classify this way?

Oh, Aine, I think you have mentioned something really important! How much of ourselves do we ignore or take for granted to the point that we do not acknowledge our personal qualities and our gifts, and look to find ways to share them. Listening to others, and getting to know ourselves, looking for our gifts, listening for our gifts, we find so much that we have been given to feel grateful for and to share — we discover ourselves as so much larger than we thought. I shall spend today listening to myself and others to discover my gifts!