Here are some of the reflections that showed up for me —
I feel neither here nor there. I have started walking and the need is to simply take one step at a time, each time focusing on the next step. And yet at this point I find it difficult. I need help. My journey is dependent upon help from others. I am surrounded by friends and family that deeply love and appreciate me, and yet I find it impossible to ask for help with a direct, courageous voice. I seek deep companionship and deep solitude, sometimes at the same time. The destination is an idea, an abstract concept, and yet it is clear that what transpires in the journey, in each step, is the pilgrimage. The destination is but an impermanent guide. I can feel the truth of things, but find it hard or impossible to speak up, to actually speak the truth. Life is truly loving and supportive, it is always watching out for me. But it needs effort and a willingness to be in the struggle in order to keep the conversation going. I am continually jumping between wanting to be something, be someone, be recognized, between grasping and clinging, to moments of free-er energy where I see more clearly the cloaks of identity that I put on. And a larger identity seems just barely visible, but out of reach. And so I attempt to take the next step on my “pilgrimage” by paradoxically attempting to find greater stillness.