Fun and adventure. I’m afraid I devalued those for much of my life out of fear and anxiety and a sense of deep shame when I “wasted time”. But, in my senior years, I am learning that colouring just to create something pleasing to me, taking a path I’ve never been on while out walking, laughing at my foibles, and laughing out loud at a good comedy really rejuvenate me. So they can’t be a waste of time after all. And trying something new can be exhilarating rather than scary. Never too late to learn.

The previous practice asked me to embrace uncertainty in a way I had never thought possible. Uncertainty used to scare me. I always anticipated the worst, and my life’s experiences had fueled that. A lot. But that attitude was keeping me trapped in anxiety, and so I knew I needed to develop a new, healthier relationship with uncertainty. The previous practice told me that, since I don’t know what the next moment will bring, why do I assume it will bring the worst when it can also bring the best? This practice helps with that because, if I become more mindful of any given moment, I realize that there is more blessing than not. Blessing vastly outweighs my struggles on most days. And so I continue to visit this website — to practise what does not come naturally to me: opening my eyes and being open to seeing all of what is around me: the challenging, yes, but also the wonderful. This has helped to reduce my anxiety a lot.

I have never been very friendly with uncertainty. Uncertainty would fill me with fear and then I would try to control everything to make it go away. But uncertainty is a big part of life, and I realized a few months ago that I need to establish a new relationship with it, one that is more accepting and restful. But this meditation added a new dimension. If nothing is promised (uncertainty), then everything is gift. Whereas I was working at an attitude of neutrality with it, now I can work at seeing it as full of possibilities and, whatever is hidden in it and comes my way, as gift. I may not like what comes my way, but hidden even in difficulties, there are gifts, even if those are just learning experiences. I admit I’m very green at seeing things this way, but I think it’s worth pursuing as a way of becoming more open to life as it comes.

I realized just today (Feb. 21st) that I am a closet fault-finder, by which I mean that I tend to see the negative much more quickly than I see the positive in any situation. Unfortunately, once I see the negative, that is a filter through which I see the whole situation, and so the roses don’t look at big or as pretty or as pleasantly scented. I realize that all situations are mixed (and all people are mixed). I can’t ignore the negative because that would be to live in delusion. What I’m wanting is balance. And to deepen my appreciation of the positive while letting the negative rest in the background unless it’s something that needs addressing. Even so, in addressing it, I can’t forget the positive, or I would be unimpressively judgmental. That is the dilemma I’ve newly discovered. How to change that? Haven’t a clue. Except maybe to stop, once I catch myself in a reaction to the negative, and give time to see the whole situation. But that’s an untested guess at this point.

Due to a traumatic past, I arrived in adulthood without some key emotions. One of them was loving feelings. My husband would describe to me his feelings of love, and I had to say to him, “I know I love you. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. But I don’t have those feelings.” He accepted that (bless him), but I did feel incomplete. My mother, on the other hand, did all kinds of good things for us kids for our well-being, but was full of rage and was the one who lashed out with beatings. For my sister and me, that rage wiped out any sense of being loved despite the deeds. So I believe there is a heart attitude needed to back up the deeds or love is incomplete.

One day, I sat in a coffee shop with a cup of coffee and no one to talk to. So I began thinking of all the people that made my cup of coffee possible: the server, the owner of the business, the grower, the shipper, the manufacturer, the wholesaler … all the way to the manufacturer of the paint on the truck that brought the restaurant supplies to our town. (Not to mention the One who provided sun, water and soil.) By that time, there were so many people, trades and countries involved that I was staggered. And I realized that I take a lot of people for granted. And I tend to live mindlessly about how deeply interconnected my life is with so many thousands of unseen others. I think I’m standing on my own two feet when people all over the world are holding me up.

I had basically this same argument with God for years, just different circumstances. Lots and lots of hard things one after the other. I still don’t really understand God’s ways. But I learned two important things: He can quite well take my anger and lashing out, and he walks through everything with me even when I’m doing my best to get rid of Him. What you discover about Him may be different, but I do think He loves our honesty above all things, and that is what your are bringing right now to your relationship with Him.