I always thought my life was supposed to be lived as a mission. Now I think it might be more mystery than mission! When I have lived as a mission, I have often been driven to the next and the next, to logistics and planning and the illusion of control. It wound up exhausting me.

When all that was taken away for a time, I began to see more mystery. It’s not living without purpose; far from it. Rather, it is living with the consciousness that I am in control of very little, and that, really, that’s how it is supposed to be.

I feel calmer and more in the flow of things when I handle only what is on my plate instead of trying to make everything fit the way I think it is supposed to fit. And when I am calmer, I make better decisions, more loving choices, and have more to give myself, those around me, and even God.

There’s a great group of volunteers who worked together in their organization to save our newest dog from a shelter and another rescue who could not handle him. (He is a breed that needs an experienced owner and patience to learn their quirks.) Without them, I would not have this gift, and he might have been put down. I only met the woman who fostered him, not all the others whose efforts and energy went into saving him. I can pass this blessing along by being an advocate for adopting via a rescue (there are many benefits), as well as letting my pup be an “ambassador” for his breed, so to speak. (We already were quite well received at the Home Depot!)

Well, isn’t this an apt question when I just had a chance to practice it yesterday?

I have realized that kindness to myself often results in kindness to the other as well. If I see my health as valuable and seek to choose a calmer path, making choices to achieve that, then I am automatically choosing a kinder path for the person whose head I might want to take off at the moment. 😉

It’s all practice, practice, practice, so while I might not have reacted as quickly with kindness as I would have liked, I DID get to kindness and calm waaaaay faster than I would have even six months ago.

We are all a work in progress, after all!

I find that forgiveness is a path rather than a destination. I used to think of it like an ideal place I had to reach, but really, I think it is more a grace filled, but often stumbling, choice we make over and over again because pain, and therefore healing, comes in layers.

I know what you mean. I, too, have people in that category. It sometimes feels harder because they have no remorse for their actions, and one, in particular, said that, if given the chance to do it all over again, she would do it exactly the same.

What’s the high road there? Choosing forgiveness over revenge, peace over chaos, and moving forward over staying stuck in the pain of the past. AND — choosing appropriate self-protection. Forgiveness does not mean giving the person another shot at you. We can fully forgive even if reconciliation is not possible or reasonable.

I’m in a place of emerging, too, Pilgrim, where who I was, and even who I thought I was, is now a closed door, but the open door is not yet fully open. It can be a confusing and often tiring place to be. Yet I can see that where I am now is a preparation for where I will be another day. As one of the brothers at SSJE said, “We need today to prepare for tomorrow.”

Transitions are always challenging, I think, in some way, especially big ones such as we are both going through. We probably don’t give ourselves enough grace over that simple fact.

I am in the midst of learning to be how I am, where I am, and to be okay with that. Some moments I do better, some I do worse. Many times I struggle with the feeling that I am “supposed to” be doing more and doing it faster and with more energy. (Ha!) At the core for me, I fear, is thinking I need to Do in order to be loved, which is completely backwards. In reality, we need to be loved in order to Do effectively.

Ah, well, we are all, every one of us, a work in progress! 😀

Oh, dear Pilgrim, it is even simpler: we cry so much because it hurt so much.

I’ve realized this recently as I have been undergoing this scalp acupuncture treatment that is used to heal PTSD. As sometimes happens, it brought up symptoms, memories, feelings, often giving back nuances to old memories that helped me see them in truth and not as the story I had created for them. The truth may hurt, but it also sets us free.

It has been very hard. It has also been very validating.

The validation part comes when we stop long enough to realize that there is so much hurt coming OUT of us because there was so much hurt put INTO us, by others or by our actions against ourselves in the name of what was expected. We’re not damaged or flawed or weak; rather, we are normal people who have been carrying a heavy burden whose systems have reacted under the strain.

You are not alone in your tears. HUGS.

Sadly, in your old profession the expected behavior often means you have to hide what is really going on underneath. I think pastor has to be one of the l0neliest roles a person can play in some ways because you are expected to be able to dispense kindness 24/7/365, regardless of what might be going on in your own life.

I have had a number of friends who were either pastor’s wives or pastor’s children, so I have a little different view of things in that realm.

Blessings to you, Pilgrim, as you grapple with this wrinkle. Perhaps it might help to reclaim kindness as your choice now rather than as an expectation placed upon you? I find that when I can choose to do something, I feel freer and am thus more able to choose it in the end.

Hey, a journal is where we are able to vent our unkindness is safety, to get it out there so it does not spill all over those we love. At times like that, it is sort of like a giant spiritual scrungee helping us clean off our grungy stuff. 😀

Maybe the first place to start being kind in a situation where we feel attacked is to give ourselves the grace of a moment to assess whether we really ARE being attacked or not. Then we can choose how we want to act rather than just reacting on auto pilot, which is kinder to us as well as to the current target of our wrath. 😉

While we do need to set and keep good boundaries, sometimes, many times, we are unable to see what is really going on in the situation, and we jump to defense when there is nothing to defend. Like Deb’s example of realizing her dancing partner was embarrassed, when we pause a moment sometimes new insight will hit us. That new information is often where we can choose to be kind, but it takes calming down enough to hear what it is saying.

That takes practice, and it is something I have been really working hard on for some time, especially with my husband. I still catch myself venturing down that old road sometimes, but the point is that I am now *catching* myself rather than simply putting the pedal to the metal and flooring it. 😀

Stepping into more of an observer role helps me take the time to stop and think whether I really want to go down that road or not. And the more I compare how I feel when I don’t go there with how I feel when I do, the choice becomes very clear.

Dear Ursula, I thought of you while reading the scriptures for today in a book I use. It was Psalm 66, and verse 8-9 reminded me of your tumble down the stairs. (I am so glad you were okay!!) Even though your foot slipped in one way, it didn’t in others. ????

I find, too, that sometimes it takes some physical jar to knock something spiritual into place or to loosen it so I can let go my tight hold on it. That may sound odd, but our bodies and spirits are so very connected that one cannot be affected without the other being moved in some way, too.

I will pray for your fast recovery! Take it easy and do only what you can, rather than what you think you ought. (I struggle with this one a lot!!)