In Hebrews it says: “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” I have found this to be eerily true. Sometimes a complete stranger will turn to me and say the most surprising things. Heartfelt, insightful, poignant things. Things I have needed direction on or about. Angel means “messenger from God”. And I have several occasions in my life when a complete stranger has delivered a message and then walked away. It was so natural, so normal that I hardly recognized it in the moment. Only later, after reflection, did I see the surprising-ness of it.

Whew okay I am going to try this.
Recent Event: My 24 year-old son’s suicide.
1. has made me re-evaluate everything in my life see what is important and what isn’t
2. brought me a new awareness of others love for me
3. helped me to know him in a way I never did before
4. re-affirmed my religious beliefs (I have never thought “what if” only a deepening sense of “what is”)
5. our family became closer, more open
6. I felt God’s awareness as I never have before
7. God prepared me for this experience, for many years
8. the special experience near the pool with my friend
9. it brought me to this site
10. the unusual and comforting insights that come to me at the strangest moments.

My father used to say: “It’s only a 15-minute job. I am sure you have 15 minutes.” Whenever I have an overwhelming task OR a task I just really, really don’t want to do. I remember that phrase and think: I am just going to work on it for 15-minutes. Many times the most difficult part is just getting started, jumping in. Sometimes I do just work on the task for 15-minutes (and feel relief for not procrastinating one more day) and sometimes I work on past the 15 minutes because I have gained some momentum with just starting. It’s been the best advice of my life. (I am doing it right now.)

My son took his own life 2 months ago today. One night about 2 weeks after it happened I was laying awake and had an interesting experience. I wrote it down and posted to facebook:::

“Almost everyone asks how I am doing.
I am doing well — and that’s the truth.
90% of the time I feel just like I always did – an ordinary person, living an ordinary life, doing ordinary things.
But the rest of the time – the other 10% — I feel as if I have swallowed a large, jagged piece of glass.
And there is no way to ever get it out.

And … maybe … I don’t want to get it out.
Because it is valuable to me — it awakens things inside of me.

Like tonight—it’s 1:30 in the morning and I am laying here with my piece of glass. But I am not thinking about Brieson, I am thinking about YOU: all of YOU. All of the people who reached out to us. All the people who ran (ran!) to us . Who did so, so many things. Those things that you might have felt were insufficient or awkwardly offered are the very luminous things that rise up inside of me and get me through these dark moments — the moments that you will never see.

I said that I feel just like I always did, but that is perhaps not quite accurate. Because I carry glass around inside of me now, I can never be the same person I was. But instead of creating scars, instead of wounding me, tonight I realize this glass may actually be illuminating. Tonight I see you as I never have before, your goodness, your radiance, the gift YOU are to me. You are magnified in my eyes – because of the broken glass.”

I have suffered a great loss, but when I notice (focus on) the dozens and dozens of good things people have done for me, it overwhelms me with pure joy. Although the situation did not change, I changed.