This is a surprisingly challenging question for me today since I live in a place that ought to have me euphoric with gratitude but in which I struggle with remaining, though I can, and do, still choose to see the blessings here. Perhaps I need to do so more.

I am in the country, surrounded by fields. Sunrise through the white pines in winter is glorious! Summer weather is mostly beautiful rather than miserably hot and humid like where we last were. My dogs can run around like maniacs in their huge fenced yard, and our chickens can free range without bothering anyone. I live in part of history, and it is a beautiful house. There is more than enough room. We have good neighbors, and I have made some wonderful friends.

And though wanting to move on sometimes makes me fractious about where I still am, in truth, this place is a blessing in many ways. Today, I will choose to see the blessing of where I am more readily than I have been lately.

At the moment, I hear my husband scraping snow off the deck. I am sitting enjoying the warmth of a pellet stove he just lugged a bag to fill. No doubt he will also be going to check on the chickens and make sure they have food and water in this snow. He is also compassionate to me as well as to those in need, equally willing to listen or get his shoulder all soggy when I am hurting or to rush out the door to help a woman who crashed her car in front of our house, like he did Saturday. He is a good man, a kind man. I also like that he is not a perfect man since it makes him easier to live with! ???? I am very grateful!

This is a hard question. I know that everything that has gone before has led me to where I am now, to who I have become and am becoming. I am thankful for that. You cannot yank out one bit without affecting all the rest.

That said, if there was one day I would do differently, it would be my wedding day. We had no doubts about marrying each other and were happy in that regard. But. We were contending with great familial dysfunction on both sides that robbed that time of its joy. It turned it into a time of shame, guilt, and frustration.

If I had it to do over, I would give up attempting to please those who could not be pleased and who were seeking to mar our day and our new life together. I would give up, walk away, and elope with the love of my life off into our future together. Had we put ourselves in the right position then, I think many of the decisions that came after would have been made with greater awareness and better thinking.

Try not to “expect” the behavior of either one but rather to let them be who they are in the moment, too. It might help lessen reactivity and thus the level of agitation. I know that when I expect my husband to act a certain way, I unconsciously brace myself. That starts all those stress hormones surging, ups sensitivity to pain, and gets the stage set for things to blow up –even if they weren’t headed that way. When I can take more of an Observer role it helps things and me to stay calmer.

Dear Erich, I hope I am not stepping out of line here, but you have just described a rather classic portrait of a person on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum. I say this not to armchair diagnose your mother but to offer you the opportunity to investigate the disorder to see if it resonates with your experience.

My parents are both NPD, and my mother was actually diagnosed, unbeknownst to her, by a professional counselor who knew us both. Having that dear counselor give me that knowledge opened the door to a path of healing for my life. It was a lifechanger.

The best book I have found on the topic is, “The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment” by Robert M. Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman. It is written by therapists for therapists but has much wonderful information on the disorder as well as exercises to help a child of such a family recover.

I wish you the best for your visit. I know that would be very challenging. Blessings.

Oh, Anna, thank you for the reminder of that verse! ” John 12:24 “Except a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die, it exists alone, but if it dies, it brings forth much fruit.”

Scripture has many reminders of how we must be broken to become whole, lost to be found, smelted/tried in the furnace to lose our dross, and to have our hearts of stone turned to hearts of flesh.

And you know, all those probably wouldn’t be in there at all if humanity as a whole did not share this common need. That is comforting. We are very much not alone!

Amen, Pilgrim. There is a song by Michael Card that I like a lot that is called
“The Things We Leave Behind.” I have been thinking about it a lot lately with all of my own sorting, gifting, and discarding. We really do find freedom from what we leave behind. The song comes from a poem he wrote, I believe, that contains more verses than the song and has a little background info with it. One thing Card points out is that in the case of Matthew leaving his tax collecting, Matthew is the only disciple who never fixates on money ever again.