Well, well, gentle souls, THANK YOU for all your kindness and support. I am sitting here sipping hot jasmine green tea and watching as huge fat flakes of snow are falling outside, like your mercy and kindness drifting down to me in post after post. Thank you. You are amazing.

The tidbits I soaked up from the Happiness course work yesterday were very helpful indeed.

I finished my day thinking perhaps Pilgrim was right and perhaps I am not so far from where I want to be as I thought. That was encouraging. I know I tend to be harder on Me than on anyone else. ????

What Frederic Luskin had to say really struck a chord. A couple quotes:

“Forgiveness is the ability to make peace with the word No.”

(Wow. Just hit me with a stuffed wet eel, why don’t you??)

“The essence of forgiving is to be able, after grieving, to be at peace with the word No, to be at peace with what is, be at peace with the vulnerability inherent in human life that we can’t always make things the way we want and be able, withoyt prejudice, to live our lives.”

That was from a video clip he had which is available on the GreaterGood.org site, though it is older and requires bringing up via search.

He is very clear on the need to grieve our losses, our No’s, first, which is what I think I had not fully done. In that regard, the mess of them living here and the kaboom when it wound down to its inevitable end is a gift I can be grateful for. One of my counselor friends keeps reminding me how much farther along I am than I would have been had the ugliness not happened. I think she is right.

Learning to be at peace with No…somehow that sounds a lot simpler and more accessible.

I have more to finish and read up on, so further posts may come. ????

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. It means so very much to me to have you all with me in spirit.

After all, it’s not like you can pop up in most places, say, “Guess what I learned about forgiveness?” and receive a warm reception!

Thank you, dear grateful. I will check those suggestions out!

I marvel at how we are given exactly what we need precisely when we need it. I had actually fallen a bit behind schedule in the class, though it is self-paced, which meant the forgiveness bit hit me right when I needed it. Cool. ????

I am also very psyched at how many resources I am finding on forgiveness! I have read some things before, like Lewis Smedes’ book, The Art of Forgiving. It is very good, though I do differ with him regarding self-forgiveness.

I think, too, that it may be time to watch the movie “An Unfinished Life” again. It is one of the best things on forgiveness that I have seen. Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman, and Jennifer Lopez (without any glam). It is gentle, uplifting, thought-provoking and deep. Lasse Hallestrom directed it, and it has his imprint on it.

Thank you, Nancy. I always joke that my magic wand is in the shop! ????

The therapies have to do with rewiring the trauma damaged circuits so they stop firing pain signals with no good cause. I am encouraged by the progress I have noticed. It was the return to such intense pain that got me discouraged. No matter how many times I hear that healing is not linear, my brain still wants to see measurable progress every day with no slide backs. ????

You echo the sentiments of a counselor friend of mine. She, too, believes who our parents are is no accident. We both agree I overachieved a bit, though, since with this disorder you’re technically supposed to get one narcissist and one sweet codependent, and I drew two narcissists instead. Lol Maybe I had a lot to learn!

Thank you, THenry, your words are a balm.

I think the struggle is harder now than it might have been had we stayed apart and only had short visits. I had done a lot of letting go and forgiving years ago, and I injudiciously welcomed them back in. The pain of that time cost me a lot physically and emotionally, which needed grieving.

I am sure you do understand. The disorder my parents have produces effects in the offspring much akin to what alcoholism does. One of the books written on it for therapists (but still accessible to laypeople) described how they kept seeing people who exhibited the symptoms of adult children of alcoholics but where there was no obvious drinking issue.

One of the most helpful moments for me came when I heard a dear friend of mine, a wise counselor and pastor, say how she was still having challenges in forgiving some people who had hurt her deeply at a church she had pastored. Here was this person who was my mentor admitting her struggle! It was then that I knew it is indeed a process, a path we choose rather than a destination at which we arrive.

Perhaps I am just wrestling with leaving this bus station behind me. ❤️

Thank you, dear Ose. ????????

No, I do not think they are conscious of their disorder. They have been observed and diagnosed by professionals, albeit without their knowledge. I know they would not accept the diagnosis, as that, too, is part of the disorder, so I have said nothing.

I have come to see that the only place change can happen in this situation is within my own heart. I do not mean in anger but rather in the letting go. I have to let go of who I wanted to be as well as all the Shoulds, to let go of them, as well, trusting that God can take care of them much better than I.

The class materials gave me much food for thought, especially the work of Frederic Lushkin.

To arrive “like a river is arriving at the ocean without doubt” is a beautiful, beautiful metaphor. Thank you, my friend.

Dear Palm, my situation was pretty much the reverse. It took my moving away and them later following and living with us for the truth to become inescapable.

The stats on people with their specific disorder healing from it are something like a .00000099 chance. Even the most optimistic experts in it say they just do not heal.

Yet in my desire for their love, I convinced myself I had gotten a miracle, that they had healed enough to make relationship possible. I was wrong. To be fair, they fooled a few professional folks, too, who did not realize things were as askew as they are.

I love the saying! I think that is about right, though I think we can be dysfunctional with just ourselves sometimes, too! ????