Toward what person can I open my heart, and make a needed difference for both of us?

Thank you for sharing.

Your response reminds me of some issues I am having myself. If I could expound–and please feel free to ignore me if anything I say feels untrue or touches a nerve–committing to share your life with another person is, in its nature, a process. People evolve and change (or don’t) in different ways at different rates. So their needs may not always be synchronous or complementary to what their partners have to offer.

Your willingness to open your heart and make an effort to meet your wife’s needs is very noble. You are challenging yourself to think beyond your own perspective, which I have come to believe is next to impossible for many people (at least many people in my family). Don’t forget that you have needs as well and open your heart to yourself.

Many years ago, I worked with a good friend who has studied Buddhism, and I remember his frustration when he received contradictory instructions because–as he explained–humans’ brains naturally look for logical patterns. Perhaps you are experiencing a similar frustration trying to understand the way that your wife’s experiences have shaped her emotions. Perhaps you are looking for a pattern but not finding one or not seeing the logic in the one you do find. If that is causing frustration, moving past that will take work on your part. You sound as though you are prepared to undertake that work, and I applaud that. But it is work, and that can be both difficult and tiring.