One initiative I’ve taken in recent years is to try and remove the phrase “You should” (or “You shouldn’t”) from my vocabulary. That way, I don’t allow myself to sort of “force” my expectations on anybody. I instead say, “I wish you would….” or “I’d like it if you…”. Minor changes, yes, but they’ve made me a happier person because I’m not forcing my needs on others.
Ooh, that's a toughie. I agree with Kevin that there are appropriate times for reasonable expectation, as in his example. The interpersonal side of things is far trickier, largely because the outcome often matters more to our hearts than dealing with a tradesman. There's more riding on our relationship interactions, which automatically puts more pressure on all involved.
I guess I'd say to let people surprise you. When my husband and I were first dating, I always felt sure of what he'd say i...
Ooh, that’s a toughie. I agree with Kevin that there are appropriate times for reasonable expectation, as in his example. The interpersonal side of things is far trickier, largely because the outcome often matters more to our hearts than dealing with a tradesman. There’s more riding on our relationship interactions, which automatically puts more pressure on all involved.
I guess I’d say to let people surprise you. When my husband and I were first dating, I always felt sure of what he’d say in a given situation, but I was basing that on past experiences with people who were not him. As I observed him, I realized he was very different, surprising even, and in a wonderful way. Once I settled in and watched rather than expecting, I got to know an incredibly special soul.
There have been times when I’ve gotten in my own way on this, but I can definitely say he is still surprising me after all these years. Twenty nine together, and twenty seven of them married, as of the end of December.
don Miguel Ruiz’ “the four agreements” has helped me immensely in this area. taking things as they are instead of presupposing and jumping to conclusions has made a real and positive change. it’s being comfortable with the unknown and with differences from my “norm”.
How can I enter my encounters and experiences with fewer assumptions or expectations?
Firstly. Simplifying the question down to…
.”Choose Life…..how?”
Answer: “With Spirit”
iow, with the alignment of ones own inner truth / Selfhood / which is God / and the gratefulness for both being given Life and the mind to KNOW one is Life.
I had to Ref Dr David R. Hawkins this morning so will quote him here ..
"Life itself can be termed spirit.
Spirit is the aliveness that accompanies a...
How can I enter my encounters and experiences with fewer assumptions or expectations?
Firstly. Simplifying the question down to…
.”Choose Life…..how?”
Answer: “With Spirit”
iow, with the alignment of ones own inner truth / Selfhood / which is God / and the gratefulness for both being given Life and the mind to KNOW one is Life.
I had to Ref Dr David R. Hawkins this morning so will quote him here ..
“Life itself can be termed spirit.
Spirit is the aliveness that accompanies and is an expression of alignment with life energy. The power of high energy attractor pattems is anabolic, sustaining life: their opposite are catabolic, eventually leading to death. True power equals life equals spirit, whereas force equals weakness equals death. When an individual has lost or lacks those qualities we term spiritual, he becomes devoid of humanity, love and self-respect, perhaps selfish and violent.
When a nation veers from its alignment with the spirit of man, it can become an international criminal.
I try it by listening to the voice in my head and to replace sentences like “I am..he/she/it is such and such or this or that.” by sentences which describe an actual observation, using verbs instead of nouns and adjectives. This also is the first step of nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg: distinguishing between observation and interpretation.
Well, it depends on which encounters and experiences we’re talking about. Oftentimes having a general sense of what to expect when we find ourselves in certain situations is necessary in order to arrive at a desired outcome. Otherwise, why would we bother to engage in the first place? For example, today I will meet with a man whom I have never met who refinishes tile floors. I am assuming he will be professional and courteous and I expect to receive a reasonable estimate from him to refinish t...
Well, it depends on which encounters and experiences we’re talking about. Oftentimes having a general sense of what to expect when we find ourselves in certain situations is necessary in order to arrive at a desired outcome. Otherwise, why would we bother to engage in the first place? For example, today I will meet with a man whom I have never met who refinishes tile floors. I am assuming he will be professional and courteous and I expect to receive a reasonable estimate from him to refinish the tile floors in our Quaker community house.
When it comes to entering emotional and personal experiences, however, my practice is simple: I keep my expectations low and my hopes high. This has always served me well.
Thank you Kevin, I will try that as well: expectations low, hopes high. And this is interesting and important that there can be hope without expectation the two being mixed up far too often. You probably know the famous quotation by Waclav Havel which I quote by heart “Hope doesn’t mean to believe in a good outcome but to be convinced that our action is making sense and is meaningful.”
I like that quote! I’d never heard it either. So often, too often, we do get caught up in looking for the happy ending. It’s only natural to do so. But sometimes a happy Hallmark movie channel style ending just isn’t possible. It is then that the wisdom in that quote deepens and becomes an essential tool.
by being open to receive, mindfully listening.
By letting go and letting God. And being grateful for what I do have.
I attempt to greet each new manifestation with: Welcome. What have you come to teach me?
I LIKE THIS! What a positive suggestion. Thanks very much! ????
One initiative I’ve taken in recent years is to try and remove the phrase “You should” (or “You shouldn’t”) from my vocabulary. That way, I don’t allow myself to sort of “force” my expectations on anybody. I instead say, “I wish you would….” or “I’d like it if you…”. Minor changes, yes, but they’ve made me a happier person because I’m not forcing my needs on others.
Ooh, that's a toughie. I agree with Kevin that there are appropriate times for reasonable expectation, as in his example. The interpersonal side of things is far trickier, largely because the outcome often matters more to our hearts than dealing with a tradesman. There's more riding on our relationship interactions, which automatically puts more pressure on all involved.
I guess I'd say to let people surprise you. When my husband and I were first dating, I always felt sure of what he'd say i...
Ooh, that’s a toughie. I agree with Kevin that there are appropriate times for reasonable expectation, as in his example. The interpersonal side of things is far trickier, largely because the outcome often matters more to our hearts than dealing with a tradesman. There’s more riding on our relationship interactions, which automatically puts more pressure on all involved.
I guess I’d say to let people surprise you. When my husband and I were first dating, I always felt sure of what he’d say in a given situation, but I was basing that on past experiences with people who were not him. As I observed him, I realized he was very different, surprising even, and in a wonderful way. Once I settled in and watched rather than expecting, I got to know an incredibly special soul.
There have been times when I’ve gotten in my own way on this, but I can definitely say he is still surprising me after all these years. Twenty nine together, and twenty seven of them married, as of the end of December.
don Miguel Ruiz’ “the four agreements” has helped me immensely in this area. taking things as they are instead of presupposing and jumping to conclusions has made a real and positive change. it’s being comfortable with the unknown and with differences from my “norm”.
How can I enter my encounters and experiences with fewer assumptions or expectations?
Firstly. Simplifying the question down to…
.”Choose Life…..how?”
Answer: “With Spirit”
iow, with the alignment of ones own inner truth / Selfhood / which is God / and the gratefulness for both being given Life and the mind to KNOW one is Life.
I had to Ref Dr David R. Hawkins this morning so will quote him here ..
"Life itself can be termed spirit.
Spirit is the aliveness that accompanies a...
How can I enter my encounters and experiences with fewer assumptions or expectations?
Firstly. Simplifying the question down to…
.”Choose Life…..how?”
Answer: “With Spirit”
iow, with the alignment of ones own inner truth / Selfhood / which is God / and the gratefulness for both being given Life and the mind to KNOW one is Life.
I had to Ref Dr David R. Hawkins this morning so will quote him here ..
“Life itself can be termed spirit.
Spirit is the aliveness that accompanies and is an expression of alignment with life energy. The power of high energy attractor pattems is anabolic, sustaining life: their opposite are catabolic, eventually leading to death. True power equals life equals spirit, whereas force equals weakness equals death. When an individual has lost or lacks those qualities we term spiritual, he becomes devoid of humanity, love and self-respect, perhaps selfish and violent.
When a nation veers from its alignment with the spirit of man, it can become an international criminal.
Amen…
I try it by listening to the voice in my head and to replace sentences like “I am..he/she/it is such and such or this or that.” by sentences which describe an actual observation, using verbs instead of nouns and adjectives. This also is the first step of nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg: distinguishing between observation and interpretation.
Well, it depends on which encounters and experiences we’re talking about. Oftentimes having a general sense of what to expect when we find ourselves in certain situations is necessary in order to arrive at a desired outcome. Otherwise, why would we bother to engage in the first place? For example, today I will meet with a man whom I have never met who refinishes tile floors. I am assuming he will be professional and courteous and I expect to receive a reasonable estimate from him to refinish t...
Well, it depends on which encounters and experiences we’re talking about. Oftentimes having a general sense of what to expect when we find ourselves in certain situations is necessary in order to arrive at a desired outcome. Otherwise, why would we bother to engage in the first place? For example, today I will meet with a man whom I have never met who refinishes tile floors. I am assuming he will be professional and courteous and I expect to receive a reasonable estimate from him to refinish the tile floors in our Quaker community house.
When it comes to entering emotional and personal experiences, however, my practice is simple: I keep my expectations low and my hopes high. This has always served me well.
Thank you Kevin, I will try that as well: expectations low, hopes high. And this is interesting and important that there can be hope without expectation the two being mixed up far too often. You probably know the famous quotation by Waclav Havel which I quote by heart “Hope doesn’t mean to believe in a good outcome but to be convinced that our action is making sense and is meaningful.”
I like that quote! I’d never heard it either. So often, too often, we do get caught up in looking for the happy ending. It’s only natural to do so. But sometimes a happy Hallmark movie channel style ending just isn’t possible. It is then that the wisdom in that quote deepens and becomes an essential tool.
Thanks, Barbara, I actually haven’t heard that quote before, so thanks for it, and your thoughts here. Cheers! -Kevin
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