Daily Question, June 3 Reflecting upon a difficult interaction I had with someone recently: How could I have been more kind? 25 Reflections Share Click here to cancel reply.Please log in or Create a Profile to post a comment. Notify me when someone replies to my comment via e-mail. Shelly7 years agoShellyI think in difficult interactions, the beginning of kindness is to pause. Just wait. Be still. If I react quickly, it escalates to defensiveness and then barriers go up. If I just pause. Silence. Wait. That space creates a place for kindness to seep in. 0 Reply KC7 years agoKCHi Aine, Thanks so much for the beautiful reminder, to practice kindness toward oneself and to find a place of calm, which lays the foundation for kinder interactions with others. I am not sure why I find this such a challenge, but I do. ???????? Warmly, KC 1 Reply Aine7 years agoAineThank you. I, too, am working on this one! I do find that I like me better when I am calmer and kinder, and that has been helping me recognize those times when I step out of that and into the person whose behavior I am not so fond of. :-/ 0 Reply KC7 years agoKCAh yes. Awareness. Practice, kindness and a ton of patience too. Much love to you this day… Warmly, KC 0 Reply Aine7 years agoAineWell, isn't this an apt question when I just had a chance to practice it yesterday? I have realized that kindness to myself often results in kindness to the other as well. If I see my health as valuable and seek to choose a calmer path, making choices to achieve that, then I am automatically choosing a kinder path for the person whose head I might want to take off at the moment. ;-) It's all practice, practice, practice, so while I might not have reacted as quickly with kindness as I wou... Well, isn’t this an apt question when I just had a chance to practice it yesterday? I have realized that kindness to myself often results in kindness to the other as well. If I see my health as valuable and seek to choose a calmer path, making choices to achieve that, then I am automatically choosing a kinder path for the person whose head I might want to take off at the moment. 😉 It’s all practice, practice, practice, so while I might not have reacted as quickly with kindness as I would have liked, I DID get to kindness and calm waaaaay faster than I would have even six months ago. We are all a work in progress, after all! Read More3 Reply kathleen7 years agokathleenwhen I reflect back on any difficult interaction I always see that I could have been more kind to myself or them by being calmer first. If I had taken a time out/ journal time/meditation time I could have been less reactive 2 Reply Deb7 years agoDebA little incident: we went dancing last evening. He failed to lead and I did not know what he wanted me to do; I told him. He replied testily he knew. In the space of a few seconds I realized he felt embarrassed, annoyed and defensive and my reactive words amplified those feelings. I apologized. We had a good time the rest of the evening. Kindness would have been if I had kept silent in the first place, but since I did not, the next best thing I could do a few seconds later was apologize. 3 Reply Caroline7 years agoCarolineI had a tense interaction with my partner yesterday. He was being critical of something I said, and though I agree with him now, it maddened me that he was not only right but also calling me out on it. So I made some snappy/angry comments and retreated to my office where I unleashed my fury in my journal. I felt better, and I was able to be more open to not being mad at him anymore afterwards. (Neither of us apologized but we were able to laugh about the incident together immediately after I was... I had a tense interaction with my partner yesterday. He was being critical of something I said, and though I agree with him now, it maddened me that he was not only right but also calling me out on it. So I made some snappy/angry comments and retreated to my office where I unleashed my fury in my journal. I felt better, and I was able to be more open to not being mad at him anymore afterwards. (Neither of us apologized but we were able to laugh about the incident together immediately after I was done with my angry journaling.) But now I’m reflecting on this question and am struck by the seemingly utter incongruity of practicing kindness in a situation like that. I felt disrespected and hurt by what my partner said. I felt so entitled to be angry (and I said some pretty harsh things about him in my journal). It would have *never* occurred to me to try to be kind (let alone more kind!) in that situation. Nobody wants to be a doormat, and that’s not what being kind means, but just what does it mean to be kind when we feel attacked? Is it starting with kindness to oneself, maybe? And then turning outward? I will keep reflecting on this today. Read More3 Reply Aine7 years agoAineHey, a journal is where we are able to vent our unkindness is safety, to get it out there so it does not spill all over those we love. At times like that, it is sort of like a giant spiritual scrungee helping us clean off our grungy stuff. :D Maybe the first place to start being kind in a situation where we feel attacked is to give ourselves the grace of a moment to assess whether we really ARE being attacked or not. Then we can choose how we want to act rather than just reacting on auto pil... Hey, a journal is where we are able to vent our unkindness is safety, to get it out there so it does not spill all over those we love. At times like that, it is sort of like a giant spiritual scrungee helping us clean off our grungy stuff. 😀 Maybe the first place to start being kind in a situation where we feel attacked is to give ourselves the grace of a moment to assess whether we really ARE being attacked or not. Then we can choose how we want to act rather than just reacting on auto pilot, which is kinder to us as well as to the current target of our wrath. 😉 While we do need to set and keep good boundaries, sometimes, many times, we are unable to see what is really going on in the situation, and we jump to defense when there is nothing to defend. Like Deb’s example of realizing her dancing partner was embarrassed, when we pause a moment sometimes new insight will hit us. That new information is often where we can choose to be kind, but it takes calming down enough to hear what it is saying. That takes practice, and it is something I have been really working hard on for some time, especially with my husband. I still catch myself venturing down that old road sometimes, but the point is that I am now *catching* myself rather than simply putting the pedal to the metal and flooring it. 😀 Stepping into more of an observer role helps me take the time to stop and think whether I really want to go down that road or not. And the more I compare how I feel when I don’t go there with how I feel when I do, the choice becomes very clear. Read More3 Reply Antoinette7 years agoAntoinetteSometimes being in a difficult situation can make us be defensive. I tried practicing defensiveness the other day when I knew I had to go to a meeting that I didn't want to have. I used the opportunity of the meeting to put down my defenses and my attacking mind. It made my inner self feel somehow less vulnerable. When I chose to accept whatever life was at the very moment and say yes to whatever was happening, I felt somehow lighter. This whole practice is going to take me some time, b... Sometimes being in a difficult situation can make us be defensive. I tried practicing defensiveness the other day when I knew I had to go to a meeting that I didn’t want to have. I used the opportunity of the meeting to put down my defenses and my attacking mind. It made my inner self feel somehow less vulnerable. When I chose to accept whatever life was at the very moment and say yes to whatever was happening, I felt somehow lighter. This whole practice is going to take me some time, because I have never done it before! I decided to make it an experiment and put into practice the idea of: yes to life! I’m loookng forward to adding to it. Read More4 Reply Michael7 years agoMichaelw my wife. instead of prolonged silence & intermittent short answers, I should have been more direct w my feelings on a matter. it would have been kinder over the course of 24 hours to discuss sooner. I reverted to my youth baseball coach’s “if you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all”. this made sure I didn’t say something regretful, however, I should have discussed sooner and not been distant. we did discuss and it was good. 5 Reply Michael7 years agoMichaelSilence is golden. No recent incidents but I found it generally avoids aggravating a situation and that is kinder if not kind. 3 Reply Carol7 years agoCarolIn reading the posts this morning, I see that many are sharing about friendship. Our culture promotes friendliness more than friendship and to my way of thinking friendliness does not measure up to my definition of kindness. I share a story below about the beauty of true friendship and how it can be tested to the breaking point. Henri Nouwen in his May 1, 2015 “Bread for the Journey” daily meditation, points out the fact that “We need friends. Friends guide us; care for us; confront us ... In reading the posts this morning, I see that many are sharing about friendship. Our culture promotes friendliness more than friendship and to my way of thinking friendliness does not measure up to my definition of kindness. I share a story below about the beauty of true friendship and how it can be tested to the breaking point. Henri Nouwen in his May 1, 2015 “Bread for the Journey” daily meditation, points out the fact that “We need friends. Friends guide us; care for us; confront us in love [and] console us in times of pain.” That said. When we expect one friend to have all we need, it is not friendship. Either we end up disappointed or the other person ends up resentful because at some point the friendship becomes dependence for one and burden for the other. I made the mistake of putting a dear friend of mine in this position. She finally had to withdraw her friendship from me. I had become a liability—too big of a burden. Though this happened many years ago, I still miss her but I understand why she did it. Her needs were very far from my mind. I was fear and neediness personified in those days. Sharing and caring is very different from neediness and neediness is very different from need. Our relationship started with mutual need. There was nothing we could not share with each other and there was total acceptance of it all but then I put her on a pedestal and made her my main source of strength. I was clingy and narcissistic. Granted my whole world had fallen down around me but friends can’t fix that. They can console us, even emotionally support and encourage us and physically shelter us if that is helpful but when we put them on a pedestal, when we forsake our own inner strength, we are not graciously accepting their help we are using them. I will always cherish that friend but I have no contact with her now. I honor her choice. I am very thankful she believed in me enough to do what was best for her and which I know today was best for me. She made me look within for the strength I needed. She refused to let me depend on her for what I needed to realize anad to do to take responsibility for myself. I have learned from her. When in doubt, do what is best for you as she did and you will find that it is apparently what is best for the others in your life. To this day, I cherish her friendship. Blessings, Carol Read More5 Reply Pilgrim7 years agoPilgrimI have a pretty well practiced public persona of kindness, due in part to the profession I was in for so long. I think it could partly be also that I didn’t, and still don’t, want people delving into my personal business. This question makes me wonder whether and when I actually “get real” with kindness when I am in person, face to face with others. I know I would rather have the real thing than the public persona of another. Hmmm. 5 Reply Aine7 years agoAineSadly, in your old profession the expected behavior often means you have to hide what is really going on underneath. I think pastor has to be one of the l0neliest roles a person can play in some ways because you are expected to be able to dispense kindness 24/7/365, regardless of what might be going on in your own life. I have had a number of friends who were either pastor's wives or pastor's children, so I have a little different view of things in that realm. Blessings to you, Pilgrim, ... Sadly, in your old profession the expected behavior often means you have to hide what is really going on underneath. I think pastor has to be one of the l0neliest roles a person can play in some ways because you are expected to be able to dispense kindness 24/7/365, regardless of what might be going on in your own life. I have had a number of friends who were either pastor’s wives or pastor’s children, so I have a little different view of things in that realm. Blessings to you, Pilgrim, as you grapple with this wrinkle. Perhaps it might help to reclaim kindness as your choice now rather than as an expectation placed upon you? I find that when I can choose to do something, I feel freer and am thus more able to choose it in the end. Read More1 Reply Pilgrim7 years agoPilgrimThank you, Aine. And you are correct in that the necessary “role playing” takes its toll over time. A person can just lose sight of their own realities, feelings, struggles, etc. By the time I retired, I felt like I couldn’t hear my own voice or my heart. Maybe that is why I cry so much? Getting the past out, but also trying to figure out what it was that I didn’t deal with or pay attention to. You are so wise :). 0 Reply Aine7 years agoAineOh, dear Pilgrim, it is even simpler: we cry so much because it hurt so much. I've realized this recently as I have been undergoing this scalp acupuncture treatment that is used to heal PTSD. As sometimes happens, it brought up symptoms, memories, feelings, often giving back nuances to old memories that helped me see them in truth and not as the story I had created for them. The truth may hurt, but it also sets us free. It has been very hard. It has also been very validating. The vali... Oh, dear Pilgrim, it is even simpler: we cry so much because it hurt so much. I’ve realized this recently as I have been undergoing this scalp acupuncture treatment that is used to heal PTSD. As sometimes happens, it brought up symptoms, memories, feelings, often giving back nuances to old memories that helped me see them in truth and not as the story I had created for them. The truth may hurt, but it also sets us free. It has been very hard. It has also been very validating. The validation part comes when we stop long enough to realize that there is so much hurt coming OUT of us because there was so much hurt put INTO us, by others or by our actions against ourselves in the name of what was expected. We’re not damaged or flawed or weak; rather, we are normal people who have been carrying a heavy burden whose systems have reacted under the strain. You are not alone in your tears. HUGS. Read More0 Reply Carol7 years agoCarolPilgrim, Thanks so much for your KIND and HUMBLE words. They are truly food for thought and meditation. 0 Reply Pilgrim7 years agoPilgrimThank you, Carol. 0 Reply Kevin7 years agoKevinI want to believe that I am kind in all situations including those that are difficult. But I also realize that such a statement is likely not true either! I know for myself that if I am interacting in a tense situation with another person and feel that my "kindness score," if you will, is in right order and I deliberately attempt to insert more kindness into the interaction for no particular reason, then doing so not only distorts the exchange but also, in my view, comes across as disingenuous. ... I want to believe that I am kind in all situations including those that are difficult. But I also realize that such a statement is likely not true either! I know for myself that if I am interacting in a tense situation with another person and feel that my “kindness score,” if you will, is in right order and I deliberately attempt to insert more kindness into the interaction for no particular reason, then doing so not only distorts the exchange but also, in my view, comes across as disingenuous. If one’s head and heart are in the right place during a difficult interaction with another person then usually it is just that, a difficult situation that you process your way through and be done with it. Read More3 Reply Palm7 years agoPalmThe question comes at a good time, I am feeling that a friendship is in jeopardy because of political and other differences. In my own stress trying to solve personal challenges, I may have made comments that were misunderstood. Reading the word of today, loving silence could have been a kinder option until I was ready to talk. Post edited: miracles happen when I write on this site. To my relief, it turns out it was only loving silence from my friend, which I was interpreting as misunderstanding... The question comes at a good time, I am feeling that a friendship is in jeopardy because of political and other differences. In my own stress trying to solve personal challenges, I may have made comments that were misunderstood. Reading the word of today, loving silence could have been a kinder option until I was ready to talk. Post edited: miracles happen when I write on this site. To my relief, it turns out it was only loving silence from my friend, which I was interpreting as misunderstanding. Read More4 Reply Aine7 years agoAineWonderful! 1 Reply Palm7 years agoPalmThanks Aine ???? 0 Reply Anna7 years agoAnnaIf I may add my personal experience, dear Palm, some years ago I had a similar problem with a friend. I felt a gap between me and people who had different political views.... and I did not seek for a good interaction with them. Sometimes, when I remember those times, I feel shame because I could have been a better friend. But one thing was good: I chose that I would have never discuss about political matters. Some years later I started speaking of daily life with this woman, and when I find mys... If I may add my personal experience, dear Palm, some years ago I had a similar problem with a friend. I felt a gap between me and people who had different political views…. and I did not seek for a good interaction with them. Sometimes, when I remember those times, I feel shame because I could have been a better friend. But one thing was good: I chose that I would have never discuss about political matters. Some years later I started speaking of daily life with this woman, and when I find myself in a hard and challenging moment due to my mother-in-law’s health, that friend asked me to go and take a coffee by her. It was a wonderful day, we had a nice chat and I felt supported by her . Now, we are good friends again. Read More4 Reply Palm7 years agoPalmThank you dear Anna, for your response, I was just wondering if I was the only one and you give me comfort. I also avoid the political subject, but I think it is fear of not being loved because of a different opinion, which of course doesn’t make sense. I am happy that your differences in the end did not affect a good friendship, it is good example needed these days 2 Reply My Private Gratitude Journal Write an entry in your private gratefulness journal Get Started This site is brought to you by A Network for Grateful Living, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. All donations are fully tax deductible in the U.S.A. CONTRIBUTE https://demo.gratefulness.org/content/uploads/2015/03/GX-Gold-Participant-L.png Community Engagement Guidelines Privacy Policy [email protected] Connect with us on Social Media: © 2000 - 2024, A Network for Grateful Living Website by Briteweb
