What are some of the places I have called home, and truly felt at home?

My parents still live in the house where I grew up. This has its comforts, though they are largely superficial. In the decades that my parents have owned the property, it has increased in value tremendously, and I know that–if worse ever comes to worse–I have a safe haven to which I can return for shelter. But I don’t know that I have felt at home there in many years, if I ever did.

I remember knowing as a teenager–and even as a child–that I belonged in a city. I rarely connected with the people around me in my hometown, and I always had the feeling that a place for me existed somewhere, just not there.

I have lived in London, New York City, and–for almost a decade now–Los Angeles. I have always felt at home in the city. I love the sense of endless exploration available to me. I came to Los Angeles for work and, at the time, would probably have gone wherever I could expect to find work. But I have come to love this place–its culture, its beauty, its people, and its vibrance.

Earlier this year, I decided to purchase a house. In order to find something in my price range, I needed to move to an area in Los Angeles that is developed as a suburb. It is further from the ocean, which I love possibly more than anything, and hotter. I cannot find a community or any cultural center, just row after row of isolated houses. Most importantly, when I step out of my door, I do not feel like I am stepping into an exciting world, free to explore.

Yesterday, I made some time to return to the city, ostensibly looking to buy a bed. The sky was overcast, and the air was chilly. I went from one secondhand store to another, rubbing elbows with collectors scouting vintage finds and working class parents buying their children winter jackets. I saw furniture, clothing, and books that were once a part of other people’s lives.

I am really struggling with place right now. I feel tethered to this house in which I’ve invested, worried that–as global warming increases–it will become uninhabitable. I know that I will need to address the distance between me and my parents and do not know what the solution to that will be. I have been laid off from work twice since 2015 and am just settling into a new job, now worried that I will need to relocate and find something new all over again.

But yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt at home, wandering the streets with no shelter at all.